Thursday, December 31, 2015

Pasta that doesn't taste like pasta recipe


  1. Half a box of pasta 
  2. One shitty sundried tomato pesto paste from the supermarket 
  3. Leftover olive oil from a jar of sundried tomatoes 
  4. Half a potato leftover from when you tried to make too many fries and they didn't fit in the pan so in a flash of inspiration you refrigerated it instead of tossing it out even though you knew it was almost certainly a lost cause 
  5. Small onion, 4-5 cloves of garlic or however much you have left sprouting on the counter and it's a miracle the maintenance people didn't clean it up 
  6. Leftover ragu pasta sauce from the bottom of the jar 
  7. Salt, pepper, rosemary, all that crap 
  8. Grated parmesan, for instance from when you try to transfer your parmesan from a bigger container into a smaller one but not all of it fits so instead of throwing it out you put it in the food 
  9. Vinegar from a jar of pickled jalapeño peppers 


  1. Put water and salt in a pot, bring to boil 
  2. Throw the pasta in and set the timer to more than the box indicates because last time you tried to follow the instructions on the box it ended up being hard as a rock and it would slip around the fork instead of properly being able to stab it so you decided to eat the pasta with a spoon which is embarrassing 
  3. Chop the potato into 5/8" cubes and the onion into fairly thin slices, and cut the garlic arbitrarily because the cloves aren't the same size anyway because you got the shitty one from morton williams that barely tastes like anything 
  4. Pour the leftover olive oil into the pan and heat it up until the dregs of sundried tomato and some weird green particles that you still haven't figured out what they are start frying which is how you know that it's hot enough 
  5. Toss in the garlic and the potatoes 
  6. Take the chopped onion in your hand and pour a generous amount of salt over it and start rubbing it while letting it fall into the pan which makes it super delicious but also makes you cry but crying was long overdue anyway so it's okay, everything will be okay 
  7. Start sautéing the vegetables, adding some salt and pepper and rosemary or whatever you want because it's not an exact science 
  8. Realize that you've mistimed the pasta and they'll be ready before the sautéing is finished and you're out of olive oil so it'll stick to itself and become shitty so in a desperate bid to fix that you strain the pasta then put it in a bowl and mix it with the sundried tomato pesto paste which miraculously works 
  9. Keep sautéing and when it's almost done toss in the pasta into the pan assuming it fits and add some more pepper and maybe salt and throw in the leftover ragu sauce and parmesan while you're at it because you can't do anything else with them anyway 
  10. Realize that a bit of oil got trapped under the pan and it's now flaming, say oops and put the pan over it which chokes the fire, and contemplate how interesting fire is and you wish you could shoot it from your hands but until then you have to resign yourself to using fire wands 
  11. Sauté the whole thing over low-medium heat while mixing vigorously and hoping the fire doesn't flare up again 
  12. When you think it's done put it back in the same bowl, taste it and realize something is missing so you think fuck it and put some jalapeño vinegar which works wonderfully and makes it perfect. 
Enjoy with a laptop and internet connection and just tap water because you're out of orange juice which would have gone wonderfully with it, contemplate how the fuck it's possible for pasta not to taste like pasta at all, and wonder why you've gone vegetarian if the food you make still tastes like junk food, but at least it's good junk food.