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Saturday, July 25, 2015

Scientists successfully replicate false consent accusations in the lab

MANHATTAN, NY—In a landmark achievement, Columbia University researchers successfully created a false consent accusation under controlled conditions. Earlier today, project leader Prof. Ron Traver called a press conference to announce the breakthrough and discuss future steps in consent accusation research. Instead of talking about his team's findings, however, Prof. Traver went on a rant about how hard it is to encounter it "in real life".

"It is proving extremely challenging to isolate instances of this particle from its antiparticle, consent accusations that go unheard or ignored," declared Prof. Traver after regaining his composure. "The causes for this matter-antimatter imbalance are still under debate, but we believe that false consent accusations are transported into hypothetical scenarios on FetLife and Reddit, or even in the minds of misguided event organizers through an unknown mechanism," he adds. "They do not appear to manifest themselves in nature."

Scientists are not giving up hope, however, that the elusive particle will one day be detected in the real world. In order to accomplish this task, several high-profile research universities, including the University of Cambridge and École Polytechnique, have announced a coalescence of their efforts into a single institute, the European Centre for the Investigation of False Accusations. Cambridge professor Val Emerich is leading the initiative, stating that he will encourage researchers to devise novel experimental techniques, citing current detection methods as "wholly insufficient". "It is remarkable, really, how even under near-ideal conditions, namely a community in which real consent accusations are being consistently ignored and even punished, we have been unable to find a single instance of a false accusation. We need new and innovative approaches such as banning people who make genuine consent accusations or employing consent violators as community leaders."

In a press release, Dr. Elisabeth Webb, lead scientist at the British Institute of Consent Awareness, staunchly criticized ECIFA's approach, cautioning against diverting too many funds for this search. "The matter has always been an academic one. Even if a breakthrough is made, this will not affect how we handle consent accusations," she held, adding that they should always be taken seriously regardless whether an expert was present or not to witness the event. "Our energy is better directed towards other issues, such as making it safer for members of our community to come forward with their own accusations without fear of retaliation," Dr. Webb concluded.

Val Emerich immediately denounced Dr. Webb's statements, asserting that discovering the particle outside the lab could open the gates towards significant cost-saving measures. "Proving that false accusations are a thing will finally give us the excuse we need to dismiss all instances of consent accusations as 'drama', and we will no longer need to spend resources on Dr. Webb's proposal. It will be the dawn of a new era."